He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
