I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
