Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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