I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
