I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I need moral support for this bender
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
this is an emotional support booty call
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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