I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
