I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
