Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
