I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
40s are totally the cure
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
