I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
