Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Oh god it's open bar.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
