I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize