definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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