just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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