It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He shit in the fireplace
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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