you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sext me about skeletons
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
