I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
