Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize