she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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