I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
