I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
