I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize