I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
