ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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