I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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