What did we do last night that was yellow?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
be right there i have to get my cape
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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