apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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