I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
