I think I just saw someone hide a body.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
