My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
