I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
