the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
