Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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