Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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