I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
