she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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