im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
