Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
