Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
