You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize