i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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