my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize