Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
