The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize