True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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