so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
