And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
