A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
