im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
