this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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