if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
