If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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