my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
