You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize