So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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