i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
