If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
