white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
