I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
