I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
