Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
