what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
