I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
