My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
