when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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