I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you win again, gameday.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize