i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
