Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
