If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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