My first STD was from a foam party
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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