Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
